I originally hoped it would be back to me by early March,
then by late March, then I was just focused on getting it to Ben for his wedding.
For a while now, I’ve been saying, “I think I’ll have it back by August, maybe
September.” …And now I’m hoping to have it by October.
So it goes.
I’ve tried to let the notebook take its own course. I had to
rearrange the list of conspirators in order to get it to Ben’s wedding, and
then I added a couple of conspirators, but otherwise, I put the notebook into
the world and trusted that my friends would use it to make awesome.
It’s not easy being awesome. I got the letters DFTBA
tattooed to my right wrist so that I’d have a constant reminder, “Don’t forget
to be awesome.” (But I still do. I forget all the time. Sometimes, even when I
remember, I still don’t quite accomplish “awesome” – maybe “fabulous” but that’s
not the same thing at all.)
Above all else, this wacky project was supposed to be fun.
For me, for the conspirators, for the random others who got sucked in along the
way. (And, it makes me really sad to discover that it hasn’t been for a couple
of people….)
Interestingly, it’s also become more than that.
Blue is and has always been my favorite color. But red has
taken on a whole new meaning for me. These days, I associate red with
challenging myself to do something brave, to step outside my comfort zone, for
daring to be something more, something different, something awesome.
On Friday, Emer (conspirator # 16) and I went to Church of Love and Ruin. It was my idea to go, but
Emer’s idea for me to wear one of my tutus. I picked the red one, partly
because I don’t have as many opportunities to wear that one these days and
partly because it matched my hair.
But here’s the thing: I don’t dance. (Not quite “never” but
pretty damn close. Like, maybe once every 5-10 years. Like a prison sentence or
something.) I have no rhythm whatsoever (side complaint: why can’t everything
be in 4/4 time? I might be much more capable of playing music if it were….) and
let’s just say that I am called “Graceless” for very good reason.
We got to the show, and there I was in my red tutu, and I
was terrified. Not just because I don’t dance, but because there were LOTS of
people in a very small space. (Such situations often make me freak out and want to run and hide. Or cry. The only thing that makes such things bearable for me is having a buddy.)
I danced a little bit, but I was exceptionally
self-conscious and freaked out by the people. Then Emer got me to climb up on a
bench along the side wall. IT WAS LIKE MAGIC. Being above and away from the
crowd was cooler temperature-wise, made me feel like I was all by myself (even
when the bench was crowded with three or four people, all dancing), and made me
not care what was going on except that there was music and I was wearing a
swishy tutu. (I really love tutus.)
I danced enough that my bad knee felt like it had Rice
Krispies in it for two days (y’know, snapping, crackling, popping, and just
generally feeling full of grit). I even chose to stay up on the bench and
continue dancing when Emer decided to go up front by the stage. (Note that buddy
separation is usually the fastest way to get me to cry and freak out when I’m
anxious.)
It. Was. Awesome.
Tonight, I’m going to see Of Monsters and Men with Kate
(conspirator # 6). I’m wearing my fancy red dress (the one I wore for Operation Flowers, for my birthday, for Ben’s wedding), because it’s long and swishy and
makes me feel pretty. Because it makes me feel brave and capable of awesome
things -- all because of a red Moleskine notebook that is being passed around the country from one incredible person who means something to me to the next.
